A Guide for Healthy Relationships
The people we love sometimes also drive us crazy. Whether that’s our parents, our children, our friends, our colleagues… relationships don’t always run smoothly! Those relationships, though, are worth our time - they bring us joy, laughter, perspective, comfort, and fulfilment. As a result, it is worth putting in some effort to understand more about how we interact with the people we love to make those relationships more positive and satisfying. The tips Philippa Perry offers in her new book may help you to revolutionise your relationships.
Flourish recommends….
The Book You Want Everyone You Love To Read by Philippa Perry
In our one-to-one mentoring and our Rebuild group mentoring course, we talk a lot about the ‘circle of control.’ Understanding what is in your control [and what isn’t] is a powerful tool in our arsenal to deal with the challenges we face. Philippa Perry’s most recent book ‘The Book You Want Everyone You Love To Read’ seems like it might be encouraging its readers to hand the book over to the parents/partners/children/friends/colleagues…. that we love but also get on our nerves. However, Perry emphasises from the start that the only thing we can control is ourselves - not the people we love! As a result, the points made in the book are extremely helpful both to help us to understand [and change if necessary] our way of working in relationship with others, and also to give us the tools to understand [and hopefully empathise with] the people around us.
Philippa Perry has been The Observer’s agony aunt for several years now, and ‘The Book You Want Everyone You Love To Read’ is dedicated to those advice-seekers who have written to her. Indeed, she uses the letters written in to her as useful examples of key aspects of where relationships can be challenging. This book deals with relationships across ages and genres - friendships, romances, work mates, families… Thinking about all these relationships could make your head spin, but Perry helpfully divides the book into four themes with examples from a variety of relationships. I have picked out some ideas from two of those themes that I found particularly useful in relation to working with young people.
Theme two is how we argue - I found this the most interesting and helpful! In young people and adults, we can often see two extremes. On the one hand, we avoid conflict and argument to try to keep the peace; on the other, we can get heated and aggressive when we disagree with or feel hurt by those we love. It is unrealistic to expect that conflict will never happen in a relationship, so learning about how people disagree is essential information to make those arguments constructive [and not destructive!]. Perry points out several different argument ‘styles’ that can lead to problems in relationships. She then outlines how you can modify your behaviour and thinking for each of these styles to make arguments less damaging and more beneficial to the relationship at hand. She describes one style as linking to how we cope when we are stressed - thinking, feeling, or doing. If we are in ‘thinking’ mode to tackle a stressor, we could come into conflict with those who want to help but are in ‘feeling’ or ‘doing’ mode. Through understanding our own style, and communicating that with the people we love, it could lead to us feeling heard and supported. By recognising our child/friend/colleague/parent…’s coping style, we can encourage that individual in their time of need rather than create an argument by going about the situation differently. This is a powerful tool that we can help teach to our young people to equip them for the relationships they have now and in the future.
Theme four focuses on finding contentment. Perry is very clear on the difference between happiness [usually temporary] and contentment [longer term satisfaction]. One of the key points Perry makes on finding contentment is to ‘internally reference’. She describes this as “working out how things feel to you” as opposed to ‘external referencing’ which is how things appear to others. This is particularly relevant to young people as they face challenges with exam performance, fitting into social groups, and making decisions about their future. Many young people say they want to be a doctor or a lawyer, because it looks good, pays a lot of money, gives good social status, and will make their parents happy - but is this something that really feels good to that young person? This can also play out in the interests and hobbies young people have. Focusing on winning or making something ‘perfect’ in the eyes of others can quickly lead to burnout. As Perry says, “Wanting to do something - liking it and enjoying it - is reason enough to invest your time in it.’ Take that as encouragement for your young person to try new things or ‘unpopular’ hobbies they love, regardless of how it might appear to others or how ‘successful’ they might be with it.
It is common to feel exasperated as we watch our young people form drama-filled friendships or engage in risky romances. Whilst we can’t control the choices our young people make, we can give them information to help them make the best choices for themselves. Making new connections is a huge part of adolescence, and it offers a real chance for learning for young people! There is no real guidebook for relationships, but Perry’s ‘The Book You Want Everyone You Love To Read’ comes very close! By understanding more about ourselves and how we relate to others, we can begin to make changes to ensure those relationships are healthy and fulfilling for all involved. Through giving our young people the knowledge and tools to engage in positive and meaningful relationships, we can help them to flourish!
Philippa Perry has written several books and also writes relationship advice articles for The Observer.